Words can hurt (warning, I am a basketcase!)

Just last week I had two experiences that kind of stopped me in my emotional tracks. Both were moments where I felt like I had been offended. Both were moments that kind of made me feel very unsettled. I have moved on (mostly...) but I thought I would recount the incidents, for the sake of documented my emotional reactions and how I might deal better with them in the future.

The first happened last Saturday at my department holiday party. Grandma Coop day was in full swing, so it was just Jimmy and me. It is quite pleasant to go to a party without kids -- but I was totally missing them when I saw another kid Sam's age walking around in overalls. I digress.

I had friendly conversation with several people, most of them I knew from previous conversations, though I must admit I did not know a good percentage of the people there because I am part-time. This topic came up in one of the conversations I had with a couple. It went something like this.

"So what do you teach?" Man asks.
"Oh, I am teaching in the labs, about once a week.."
"You teach ONCE a week?!"
"Yeah, I teach for two different classes, but the labs meet every other week for each class, so it ends up being once a week."
"You only teach ONCE a week. What else do you do?!"
"Well, I'm a mom..."

Maybe this doesn't really seem that bad, and in all honesty it wasn't really that offensive. I don't think he understood how I could only be working once a week, and still afford to drive a car. And to be fair my kids were not there. But his face did give a sort of crazed bewilderment even when I said I was a mom. The incident made me chuckle more than anything. And I told Jimmy and we were leaving that I was proud of myself being able to say I was a mom without embarrassment or hesitation. I love being able to work a little, but I also love being home with my kids--except when Sam is teething...

The second incident happened just three days ago at Walmart. I was standing in line with Sam strapped to my back and Lucy sitting in the cart. A man and high adult daughter were standing behind us. Lucy was being friendly as she always is, and he was talking back to her. And he was very nice. But then Lucy started to suck her thumb, and he gave me a very shocked look and the conversation went like this....

"Why do you suck you thumb?" Man says to Lucy looking at me as well.
"She sucks her thumb, and this one behind me never caught on..." I say jokingly...
"When I was growing up we didn't let kids such their thumbs...why would you let her do that?"
"It's a hard habit to break...." I say back (I shouldn't have tried to defend myself.)
"That's the thing with people in this country, they don't give a darn* about their kids, they let them do whatever....Pacifiers are better than thumbs..." Man looks at Lucy "Don't suck your thumb...why would you do that....it is dirty!"

And this is where I stopped looking at that the man and tried not to cry. Yep, I was pretty much crying with the man standing right next to me, and the cashier checking me out. Maybe it was the fact that he inferred that I didn't care, or the fact that I do kind of wish Lucy would stop sucking her thumb. In any event it totally wiped me out and made me stifle tears until the kind cashier lady finished with my bags. She was really sweet, and she tried to say something nice as I left, but goodness gracious she was not efficient. It took us forever to get out of that place, and I am considering not going back (not that I go there often anyways...)

And poor Lucy tried to console me as I cried all the way home. She offered me animal crackers and even tried to tell me to be happy. I told her I had to "cry the sadness out..." because that was what I was doing. Crying for crying's sake. I was a mess.

Stepping back from this incidence, I realized that again, this man was probably not trying to knock me a parental blow, but was giving me "advice." Though I must say, adding that "parents don't care" was a little uncaring of him. I also realized that there were probably several ways for me to react. Because I am non-confrontational (as Jimmy can attest) I bottled it up, swallowed real hard, and cried like a baby later on. I could have started saying how it is "none of your business" or "we try not to let her all the time, but it is her way of comforting herself.," or "please don't judge my parenting...I care about my children a lot." All of these comeback went through my head on the way home. I am really not sure what was the correct way to handle said encounter, but I do know that I am totally naïve into thinking that people always know what they are saying when they say it. Mostly we are fumbling through conversations hoping we are alive when we make it to the other side...I know that is how I converse. In fact I really wish that making conversation was easier for me. I often rethink conversations until I am exhausted, wondering if I said something offensive, unintelligent or just plain ridiculous. I guess I shouldn't assume that other people don't have the same problem. I also can't assume that all people are cute old ladies who tell me my children are beautiful angels. I like these people just so you know.

What did I learn from both experiences. All people are ignorant and that includes me. I have no idea what is going on in people's lives and they can't say anything about mine. They are making decisions based on what they think is best. I am trying to do the same. I do not dislike any of these people, though I wish they would rethink their choice of words or facial expressions.

I am so excited to be with my children this Christmas because even though I am probably the grouchiest of grouches sometimes, they are infinitely forgiving. Being with them on Christmas is what brings the Christ-like spirit into our home.   In that vein I think the best thing I can say is, I will try to treat people with charity and that same sort of forgiveness.  Be aware that everyone is a child of God and keeping working on taking care of my stewardship and heritage. There is a reason we sing "I am a child of God" to the kids every time we put them to bed.  I can assure you it is not just for them.